Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize