he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
