he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
