My first STD was from a foam party
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
