You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
