your parents love me but you hate me
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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