My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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