I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
