Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
