tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
