Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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