News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
