the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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