we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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