Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
