he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize