The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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