I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
