Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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