I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
handjob tips. give me some.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
