Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
this will be a night to untag.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
