News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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