Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
