it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
