Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
