I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize