The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
