I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
