my shit smells like andre
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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