Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
