i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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