My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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