I wannas sexs uuuuu
Plan B is the new Plan A
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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