i think my mom watched the whole time
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
