that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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