im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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