I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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