I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I wear drunk well.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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