you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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