Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
