She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
