She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
