There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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