I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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