Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
