Jerry, you need to find god
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Randomize
