I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
