i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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