He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
