census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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