Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
