I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
