im six kinds of drunk right now
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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