Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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