I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize