I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
