I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
